“ Choose the great adventure of being brave and afraid at the exact same time.” – Brené Brown
Fear has a funny way of forcing decisions and this year I made a huge decision. One that will impact my life forever, one I can’t take back.
When my brother and I were kids we had a great aunt who had undergone a prophylactic mastectomy and as kids do, we made several boob jokes about her chest. Of course we didn’t realize how hurtful those comments were and it didn’t dawn on me for almost 30 years that I, too, would be faced with a very similar decision. I found my first lump at 19 and had back to back lumpectomies that year and the year after. Four years later my mom was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and after a good fight passed away in 2010. My next abnormality was when I was weaning my twins from nursing in 2015. A inflamed milk duct was actually a small mass, benign. I found another lump in 2017. This one was a cyst that was drained. Another abnormality on my ultrasound in 2018 but smooth edges didn’t indicate a biopsy was needed. In Jan 2023 after my mammogram, ultrasound and MRI cycle my doctor called to let me know another mass was found. This one hit different. I am not sure what it was about this call that was different than the rest but I didn’t sleep for days leading up to my biopsy. I was leaning into my faith and still feeling fearful. I couldn’t separate my feeling and was distracted for 12 days leading up to it.
It was benign.
An acquaintance of mine was battling cancer and she had three kids, I watched her family do everything they could to get her treatment. It was heart wrenching. I didn’t even know this woman well but I was in awe of her bravery and her unwavering faith. I was definitely impacted by her light, every time I saw her I got a big hug and a huge smile. I used to think to myself that I should be doing more for her, for her family and yet here she was providing me with hope. I couldn’t separate the fear of having to fight while also trying to raise three kids. I kept thinking about the impact on the girls if I was diagnosed and could have done something about it.
This time when the benign call came the wave of relief didn’t come, there was a sinking feeling as I thought about all the times these masses had come back ok and I couldn’t get rid of those nagging feeling that I needed to do something different, something drastic.
By the end of January we had visited with multiple doctors and had options laid out in front of us. We prayed. We prayed some more. It was a decision I knew deep in my bones that was right for us and in early February 2023, along with my family, I made the decision to have a complete double mastectomy with a DIEP flap reconstruction. Once we made the decision the weight lifted, I felt whole. From February until July, when my surgery was scheduled I did everything I could to educate myself about what to expect, what I would need at home, family support, mental health resources and I stayed very connected in my faith. I was tremendously blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, amazing friends and a workplace that was supportive.
I’m not going to tell you the surgery was easy or there were less than hours of tears but I never wavered, never questioned if this was the right path.
It’s now been almost 5 month post op and I underwent a much shorter revision surgery in early December and I couldn’t be happier. Does my body look different? Yes. Do I feel self conscious about my new boobs? Nope. I feel like I made an empowered decision about my body, to do as much as I could to protect my health and be a role model for my girls.
